self realisation - self awareness

24th Sept 2005

Ive been going through a lot of self awareness and realisation the past few days. I think its going to continue. The month of Ramadhan is meant to be like that. Its the month that Satan's whispers are silenced to those preforming the fast. So any dirty lil thoughts, images and whispers one hears, is ultimately from their own ego and poisoned heart. I recall last Ramadhan, it was scary for me, cause I was hearing and seeing AWFUL things come out. However, my Shaykh tells us, that when you have a really dirty bucket. You pour in clean water, the dirt has to come up first. So.. thats what happens to those that are practising the spiritual cleansing during the initial stages. Something we Muslims (and I also believe most religious and spiritual people) are meant to be doing always. The word Sufi, its.. its a label, not a title, a category, not a group. We dont really call ourselves Sufi's, though everyone else (ie all other Muslims) call us Sufi's, so.. why confuse people by saying we are something else that they dont recognise, people recognise the 'label' that is 'Sufi'.

Well.. i realised one of the diseases of the heart I had.. was of ego and arrogance. Now when you think of some who has an ego or arrogance. You think of someone who is outwardly showing off, or.. exuberating this kind of over confidence in themselves. I believe I had some sort of over-confidence .. yeah lots of it showing, but i never saw confidence and arrogance in the same boat. Now I realised, I was the kind, that didnt care what he really looked like on the outside and how I was seen. I could get humiliated and I didnt really care. Why? Cause I was cocky n confident on the inside, I already felt too good about myself underneath, so it didnt matter what hit me. Obviously, such things and attitudes grow sneakily within a person over time. As it did so within me. Something like this aint easily spotted by everyone. Especially by the subject concerned, however thats what true friends I would add are for. It was my closest of friends and my older brother, that brought this to my attention. However, it was through trials and tribulations that one goes through, that made me realise this. I done something that at first I was not ready to admit fault to. Something that had really dire consequences. Something that cause someone close to me a lot of agony, and between them and someone else who was once very close to them real agony.

My Shaykhs always telling us. Dont we want to sort ourselves out? Fix ourselves? Change our conditions to better oneself? Well is good things or bad things that change us? That affect us? Thats the neccessity and benefit of tests,trials and tribulations that one goes through in life. Especially for those that are on a spiritual path. Secularists, will equate and calculate whatever they see fit, as always. Yet even among them, there are those that have awakenings and have senses and episodes of self-awareness, and soul-searching. There are religious people that have cold dead hearts. There are people that are not religious, just humanitarian ( i cant think of any other label or category for them thats recognised), who have some of the warmest, humblest and noblest of hearts. Between my brother and my sister, and some of my friends out there are examples of this.

In Islam, we see life as this. In the Koran, God tells us that He is closer to us than our own jugular veins. However, what is the point of life, what is the point, infact how can there be a journey towards Him, if we have already arrived. Life is given its reason through the existence of our 'lower selves', our ego's, our sins, our vices, and via Evil. If there is no disobedience, and no Evil. Whats the point of Life? There would be no journey towards him. In Islam, we are taught to understand this. It makes the burden of Evil, sin, pain, suffering, and so forth, more bearable. Instead of something thats just pointless and meaningless.


You see, in Sufism, we study, learn and train the heart, mind and soul. You see, we call the emotions, feelings, good and bad "nuffs". They are within us as like animals and beasts in a Zoo. Our head or intellect is supposed to be that Zoo Keeper, we do hold the keys to them. We also feed them. (bear with me; im being metaphorical with significance for sake of clarity and trying to use as simple terms and explanations as possible). To feed those of hate, you do hateful things, or put up with hateful things, be in the company of hate, etc. To feed empathy, you socialise and interact and learn to be close to people, your open your heart to eachother and feel the hearts of others. To feed lust, you keep thinking about and occupy yourself around such things. To feed your own desires, your own wants and lusts, avarice and greed.. well you just keep feeding your own self and thinking of your own self, you keep prioritising and seeing things from your own point of view. Sometimes, these 'beast' can take over the Zoo Keeper, if he/she feeds them too much. Sometimes.. unfortunately we ultimately SUBMIT willingly to one of these beasts. In Sufism, we learn to starve the bad ones to keep them in control, and try to feed as much as we can of the good ones. In Islam, we learn to Submit to God alone, his Will, instead of our own small, impotent, short-sighted and selfish will. For if there is a God, should that God's Will be the best for us? IF not, then what kind of god would it be?



So with fasting. The belly is the home of the beast. The larger the stomach, the more room there is for it to be filled with .. anything that wishes to occupy it.. greed, avarice, lust, etc. Fasting helps to keep it in check. There is a Muslim Proverb that goes with this. I think you can call it a proverb or saying. It goes something like "When the stomach is full the limbs are hungry". So if the stomach is empty, the beasts within dont care about anything else, any other vice or sin or wants or luxuries, its concerned with the stomach. Once thats full, it opens the gate to all the other things. Hence, our Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), never filled his stomach to full, except when he had guests, cause out of the curtesy they had, they would not eat more than the Prophet(pbuh).. so to make them not feel so bad about eating the food he has had provided for them, he would eat more than he is used to.

This is why, Ive been fasting every Monday and Thursday. Prophet Muhammad(pbuh), is known to have fasted every Monday and Thursday. The Prophet David(pbuh), he fasted every two days, thats why we call it the "Fast of David", when one fasts every other day. Fasting and self discipline and self control, are noble traits found in different degrees and levels across humanity. Look at Ghandi, look at Bhuddists, look at Catholic Monks, Hari Krishna's and so forth. Oh and not forgeting my favourite two groups.. the Martial Artists and Jedi Knights :) haha